A colleague of mine shared something he heard from a seminar recently. He asked me:
“Do you know how much it takes to have the American dream?”
“No. How much?”
“$500,000 — $400K for a decent house, $50K for a nice ride, and another $50K for good eats. — $500,000.”
In my friend’s borrowed, pre-packaged logic, he made some sense. And he got me thinking. I felt happy that I can now have the American Dream, too, perhaps sooner than originally imagined.
But I also felt strangely disappointed. Somehow, the dream now so well defined did not inspire.
Is the American Dream, in fact, only worth $500K? Can the American Dream be so ordinary, so measurable, so finite that it can be reduced to a calculation of bought stuff?
The part of me that’s been aching to finally buy a new car (after 11 years of using the same beat-up car), that’s been wanting to upgrade from a condo to a house, says yes.
A bigger part of me wants to hold out for something more — a dream more grand, more substantive. I saw “In Pursuit of Happyness” with Will Smith, and his dream was ultimately much bigger than a fat bank account.
There is a life I used to envision myself having while still in college and grad school. I wanted to be an agent of change: organize the unorganized, empower the unempowered, serve the underserved.
To a large extent, I’m doing these but not to the same degree and regularity that I first thought I would.
I originally fancied the work would take over my life; I mean, …every …breathing …moment.
Instead, I’ve had to hustle to have a couple of hours every quarter as a policy trainer. And I’ve had to piece together side jobs that allow me to feel fulfilled teaching young adults how to participate in community building, how to create a purpose-driven life.
So I ask myself: Self, is fulfillment overrated?
And for today, at least, I have no ready response, just a feeling. A feeling of being drained, frustrated. The tug war between life and work is draining, frustrating at times, and increasingly more noticeable.
Whether real or perceived, life used to be as lively, as filling as work, and vice versa. But as I get older and have to make career and lifestyle choices that all adults must make, I find life and work a bit less colorful.
Life, pala, is a shade of institutional beige, and paved with gray high-impact office carpeting.
Here’s the heart-breaker: I fear that I am likely to spend more of my life working to survive (make a living), than making a difference (i.e., be fulfilled). Fulfillment feeds the soul but not the bank account, after all.
As a Person of Color, as a Filipino American, I often find this constant need to balance the pull of selflessness and the pull of selfishness more pronounced, more intrusive.
Some days, I like to think the value of keeping the balance leads to fulfillment. Other days, I think the focus on fulfillment, on making a difference, is a juvenile pipe dream. After all, who needs me but me, and only me?
Philosophizing on fulfillment is useless. Better, instead, to get back to work.
I really appreciate your very candid posting. For myself, I realized that selfishness and selflessness is a false dichotomy.
As you know already, I spent the last dozen years as a union organizer and working for social change and unfortunately I had a heart attack and underwent a triple bypass surgery. While I was on the ground and suffering a heartattack, I immediately noticed my 5-month old son looking straight at me.
At that moment, I realized how much we only exist in relationship to one another. If I died, my son would be losing a father and many others would be losing a brother, son, husband, friend and mentor.
Derrick Bell once said that “relationships are the foundation of an ethical life. ” In other words, working for social change does not mean we need to sacrifice ourselves. Working for social change also means taking care of yourself because so many people do depend on you in some form or another. Working for social change is ultimately about building community.
My mistake is that I separated self and community and thought that all I needed to do was strive for balance. I still continue working for social change and I am able to support a family and have a comfortable life.
We don’t have to kill ourselves. We need to continue building community so that my son can grow to know his own value and his own father.
Posted by John Delloro | July 2, 2008, 6:19 amJohn, thanks for commenting on my moment-of-weakness posting. The sentiment in this post has been percolating for a while; it took this blog and my father’s upcoming one-year death anniversary to express it and put words around it. Sorry na lang if I depressed anyone.
Where I am now with this is a few steps away from that place of peace in which you now find yourself. The internal drive to contribute still burns so strongly. In the absence of a single work opportunity that fulfills both selflessness and selfishness, I find myself, like in college, taking on a lot still. The good news is, unlike in college, I am better now in making sure I’m not spread too thinly.
I am glad you have found a good measure of satisfaction in your personal journey. That must be one of the joys of fatherhood.
As for me, there remains too much to do in the near horizon, all of it exciting. I can only hope I will be able to make them come true with the right resources, the right opportunities and the right people.
I understand that not every dream comes true; but I need a few good ones to come true. I don’t want to end up like so many of the older generation: full only of shining stories about movement work, but personally and professionally incomplete.
Which brings me, finally, to your point about relationships and their value. It is a welcome thought. And even now I am more able to allow myself to more fully appreciate selfishness. Salamat.
Posted by rbvergara | July 2, 2008, 5:13 pmManong, all I have to say is pretty much since high school, I’ve always envied and tried to emulate your ways, the way you go about reaching your goals and your ingenuity. I can say that every person you’ve made contact with you’ve made a big impression and impact and that alone is a big accomplishment.
Take Joey for example and me too…we’re both impressed at how you carry yourself and your selflessness. I always tell you that you should take care of yourself because noone else will.
Your views in life, I do admit, sometimes I find too idealistic but then again. Coming from me who sometimes, ok, most of the time has a negative outlook on everything, I guess that explains why you are where you are and I’m still where I was.
To me the American Dream doesn’t necessarily mean acquiring the most expensive and the best of everything material and having a fat checking account. My American Dream is being able to make a contribution to my community or doing something that will make a difference and the rest if I’m blessed enough to deserve a big home or nice car or what have you then I’ll gladly accept them.
I used to think that making more money would make me “happy” or more satisfied but it hasn’t. I’m not rich, you very well know that, but having all the things that I thought would make me happy and content hasn’t. I still don’t know what I really want or what would make me really happy aside from knowing that my children will be taken care of and will not have to struggle when they’re my age. I guess I’m just rambling but you’re doing well manong.
You can’t continue being selfless 24/7 365 days/year. It will leave you feeling bitter and just not happy. I’m still working on making myself happy and making myself a priority instead of everything and everyone else. So anyway, you’re doing fine and I can assure you that by you meeting people and affecting them the way you philosophize and your way of thinking, you’re making a big difference bigger than you think ….
Posted by karen | July 7, 2008, 7:32 pmYour insights are deep indeed cousin. Way to go!
There’s a greek word “kenosis”. It means self-emptying. It is a universal experience of every human being of having an inherent inclination towards self-giving and the admiration of something more profound than ourselves. We can truly feel good about ourselves when we give up the idea that the universe revolves around us. And of course, we can only be genuinely happy of what we are doing when when we quit thinking that our lives are only about ourselves.
Keep up the good work cousin!
Posted by ram somera | September 25, 2008, 2:11 amFather Somera… thanks for posting. I find that my readers find it difficult to part with their thoughts on the internet.
I learned something new today from you — kenosis, self-emptying, as you say it. That’s cool. Makes me appreciate how average and integrated I truly am — meaning I am not alone. If there’s a term for what I feel, then for at least a millenia, others have felt as I do. — That makes feel better.
Thank you. You keep up the great work, as well, saving people like me.
Posted by rbvergara | September 25, 2008, 3:59 am